Stop #43: South East St, Indianapolis (#25)

Stop #43 took me to not-so-far-away, here in Indy, just after I went to a theater to see the new "Twilight" movie.

Before you scorn me for my tastes, or think horrible thoughts about me, or wish I was dead, in my defense:


THIS is why I went. THIS is why I've gone to see all of the movies, why I've read the books, why I cut myself when the world is just too much.

Okay, that last bit, I don't really do. Getting inside Bella's head is pain enough for a lifetime over.

And in case you're wondering about that bizarre belly button on my shirt, my "Twilight: Because I'm a masochist" shirt was actually made for the release of "Eclipse" last year, which is why I tried to fabric-paint on, well, an eclipse.


You might be thinking that you really don't want to hear my thoughts on this movie. You might be here for the Steak n' Shake of it all, or for the anagrams, or for the Catch Caragher. But today, I feel like talking about this movie. And, as Robbie Hart once said in a movie I love dearly, "Well I have a microphone, and you don't, so you will listen to every damn word I have to say!" Yeah, that's how this "review" is gonna go.

Of course, by microphone, I mean blog.

So how was "Breaking Dawn: Part 1"? I've got to say, in my opinion, it's been the best of the series so far. Now, don't mistake that for me saying that the movie is good. That logic would be similar to saying that Mussolini was a good guy 'cause he wasn't as horrible a dude as Stalin or Hitler. "Breaking Dawn Part 1" is no Hitler ("New Moon" for the shirtless shot of "RPatz") or Stalin ("Eclipse" for the OH GOD ALL OF IT), but that doesn't mean we should give it an Oscar, or a Nobel prize.

The first ... solid third? of the movie is basically the wedding you wish you weren't invited to, followed by the world's most lame honeymoon videos by that couple you wish didn't know you because OH GOD IS RPATZ REMOVING HIS SHIRT AGAIN MAKE IT STOP. KStew's walk down the aisle had to have been four miles long for all the long, meaningful, intense facial shots between her and RPATZ THANK GOD YOU'VE GOT A SHIRT ON THIS TIME. Thankfully, there wasn't too much dialogue in that chunk of the movie, meaning our stars should have been able to better focus on their actual acting skills.

Oh, wait. Nope, no side benefit of that, after all.

I also think something should be said for some inconsistency when it comes to this part of the series. Inconsistency as in, "Dear Bill Condon, Sometimes I doubt your commitment to Sparkle Motion!" Inconsistency as in, there were shots from that honeymoon that should only exist in your worst nightmare in which Edward was wandering around in the sunlight, yet failed to sparkle. Now, don't misunderstand me -- I do not prefer my vampires sparkly, and there's too much of the slow-mo sparkle-action in all the other movies as it is. But if you've established that vampires in your world sparkle in the sunlight, you can't abandon that trait just because it got boring. And Bill Condon, by agreeing to direct Stephanie Meyers' wet dream (seriously, the whole story started from a dream she had, so I'm going to make my assumptions from there because sometimes my mind is in the gutter and clearly sometimes hers is too), you are agreeing to adapt to the vampires in her world, irritating though they may be.

My final big complaint is the finesse with which wolf telepathy was conveyed. This movie takes what is basically my favorite part of any of the books -- the part where we abandon Bella and her vapid and pointless existence and go hang out with some characters who are actually interesting for a change -- and destroys it with a nearly incoherent mass of confusion that just sounds atrocious. After that, who wants to hang out with the wolf pack anymore? It's almost as painful as DEAR GOD RPATZ PUT YOUR SHIRT BACK ON.

So now that I've made clear that you maybe don't want to go see "Breaking Dawn Part 1" and, hell, maybe don't want to read "Twilight" in the first place, what might you want to do instead?*

Let me recommend some books that actually might have value! Or, at the very least, entertainment that doesn't make you want the main character to die!

1. The Pact, Jodi Picoult
I'm just tossing this in 'cause it's my favorite book from this author, but you can't go wrong with most of her stuff. Most of her stuff revolves around a court drama and a hidden piece of evidence or fact that changes everything at the last minute. This one, specifically, involves the suicide pact of two teenagers gone wrong, in which only one teenager actually dies, leaving the other to look like a suspect in her murder. A fun romp for any interested reader!

2. The Dark Half, Stephen King
Stephen King has some decent stuff out there, but The Dark Half has been my favorite, and was the book I managed to squeeze in two and a half times during a three-week trip to Australia and New Zealand back when I was in 7th grade. (Hey, in the days before e-readers, you had to make do with the total number of books you could actually fit in your suitcase, which was, in my case, two.) Plot centers on a writer who has written under both his real name (one genre) and a pseudonym (a completely different genre). When he tries to "kill off" the pseudonym and come clean to the public, the pseudonym decides it doesn't really want to be dead. Fun fact, apparently there was a sort of old-school computer game based on this book, too.

3. Dave Barry Slept Here: A Sort-of History of the United States
Dave Barry cracks me up. He will probably crack you up, too. If he doesn't, it's because you have no soul. Slept Here is my favorite Barry book, as it's basically turning history on its head and I apparently find that amusing.

4. Invisible Monsters, Chuck Palahniuk
This book made me want to have Chuck Palahniuk's babies. From the same author that brought you Fight Club is this story about a girl who used to be super-pretty but who had her mouth shot off in an accident and now she travels around the country with a pair of people who are as f-ed up in head as she is to look at. Then again, she may also be as f-ed up in the head. There are three instances of plot twist in this book that made my jaw drop. My only regret with this book is that I can't go back and read it for the first time all over again, getting all those surprises fresh again.

*Read the fine print: I'm all in favor of reading at large, so if you read "Twilight" because the alternative is, well, not reading at all, then I appreciate the attempt. I just also hope that you do someday graduate to something else, even if it is only Harlequin Romance or something.

These are the things you could do instead of reading (or watching) "Twilight" if you are unlike me. Then again, if you are a masochist as well, "Twilight"! Have at it!

Speaking of acts of masochism, on this particular Quest Stop, I finally got around to trying the FritoBurger.


I know. It's scary to look at. Imagine how it felt to eat it.

And if you can't imagine it, enjoy this pseudo-film strip!





And of course, the aftermath:

I actually cut it in half so that Husband could "enjoy" it with me. He has a more varied ... palate ... than I do, meaning it might not actually be the worst thing in the world, and I wouldn't necessarily know it.

And he did imply it was not the worst thing in the world. However, I don't think either of us will be ordering it again.

Fortunately, I anticipated the above, and got real food too: my favorite standby and reward for being brave, a Guacamole Steakburger and french fries.

In the end, it turned out to be a pretty good day: "Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 1" followed by a Fritoburger.

Then again, let me remind you:


Though I think no one else suffered quite as much as I did, as only two of us went to see the movie, and only two of us (one of us being different from the former pair of two of us) actually tried the Frito Burger.

The rest escaped unscathed.